Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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