piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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