I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
