Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
