walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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