i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
