I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
