Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
