Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
