i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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