The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
