I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
