My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
