he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
