Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
