so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
