if i can run in heels then i can drive
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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