Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
