Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
