This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
