the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
