Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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