i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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