your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
