mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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