There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
