He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
