Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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