I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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