I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
