textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
