No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Houston, we have a blender
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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