Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
