Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
