I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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