My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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