I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
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Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
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No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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