My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
