Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
