remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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