I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Randomize
