Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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