I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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