so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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