she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Pants are for mortals
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
