She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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