like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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