I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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