I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
