So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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