There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
