You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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