he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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