Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I intend to get homeless drunk
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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