I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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