We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize