i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
