DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
